I am about to go to the Bulldog happy hour by myself to think about this fucking manuscript after working on it all day at the coffee shop. Hoping that a drink will melt the braincicles.

This morning, I sent my advisor an email, pouring out my heart to him regarding my research insecurities and confronting him about how I struggle with his “Asian dad” advising style, and then asking him for help….His reply?

He forwarded me a Craigslist ad for a used bike with one line, “To cheer you up!”

Yup.

Pro: My students apparently find me approachable.

Con: That means that they’re not afraid to email me. All. The. Time. 

Did I mention that I teach a class of 112 students? 

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Pro: I am employed. I also have all my major appendages, organs, and sensory functions. 

Hey it’s around 4:30am, and I just wrote a reaction paper for my Developmental Psych class that made me realize that I really am fascinated with, passionate about racism and discrimination research. I always get discouraged because it’s one of the topics du jour, so what would I have to bring to the table? Writing this paper and also working little by little on the crazy four study manuscript reminds me that, fuck yeah this is important and I do have new things to add to the discussion.

The topic of what to focus on for my dissertation has plagued me the last year or so. Do I continue with the discrimination research or do I move my work in the direction of food studies? Part of me wonders if I am using the food studies idea as a way to distract me from / avoid the difficult work on racism. Everyone loves a food studies scholar! Not everyone loves that person who sees racism in everything. But what can I say, I’ve always been a malcontent of sorts regarding social ideas, and I feel that in some way my life’s work must be a sublimation of that energy.

At the same time, I really do feel passionate about the intersection of food, culture, and psychology. It’s an area that is ripe for empirical investigation, and I know that if I pursue it, I will be a pioneer. And let’s face it, I want to do big things and make a name for myself as someone who has great ideas and contributions to science that make the world a better place.

I kind of feel like a jackass (or Kanye) admitting my ambitions, but it’s better for me to own it instead of avoid it - as I’ve been doing the last three to four years. Before I came to Minnesota, I pursued my goals like my life depended on it. So many times, I’ve wondered, what happened to me in the last four years? Where did all my ambition go? Why do I keep focusing my energy on obsessing over relationships?

In the last couple of weeks, I connected the dots in a big way. I feared success. I became afraid of pursuing my ambitions because I learned that doing so means many sacrifices and risks, namely the possibility of indefinite loneliness. For example, one of the catalysts for my breakup with my boyfriend of eight years was the fact that I wasn’t willing to go to a graduate program in New York City (where he was adamant about staying in) because that meant going to a program that was subpar or a poor fit for me. I gave up the potential for a loving, stable relationship with someone who I truly felt was my partner*. Now that I’m getting closer to 30 and thinking about continuing on in academia, the choices do not get easier. There are a lot of incredible, brilliant, and single women in academia. Those who do partner up tend to do so later in life, having children in their mid thirties or adopting. Pursuing a career in academia means being willing to live in the less-than-ideal city or town. It means working a lot with few boundaries to your worklife. It’s hard enough finding someone who is a good fit as a partner, period. It’s even harder when you’re an intelligent woman with opinions. Harder still when you add ambitious to that. AND IN THE MIDWEST! (No mean to hate on you Midwestern dudes, but seriously, what is the deal).

Anyway, the bottom line is: I’m awesome, and I’m sick of being afraid of being awesome to the fullest just because I’m afraid of being alone. Being “alone” isn’t so terrible after all. There is so much truth to the adage that there is nothing lonelier than being in a relationship that lacks depth, connection, and fit. I am not truly alone, either. I am very grateful to have friends and family who I love and who care about me. You know who you are (Sunny! come back to tumblr!). 

Alright, peace out. I have a long day ahead of more helping people, teaching, class, and hopefully dragging myself to the gym cause I have a half-marathon in 11 weeks!

*Note: I realize that I tend to idealize the relationship with that Ex but we were definitely not the best fit in a number of intangible ways - spiritually speaking, our views on the importance of family, and in the matter of sensitivity to and compassion for others. Things that become much more important to your core sense of self as you get older.

Today in session with my therapist, I cited Popperian Falsification Theory and postpositivism.